The Last Post

As long as there are postmen, life will have zest – William James

If letter writing is dying, love letter writing is six feet under. Today we’ll grab a spade and attempt to resurrect the lost art.

1. Date your letter – it may end up in a museum. Or a sock drawer. Pop the date on it for posterity.
2. Presentation is key. Use the heaviest paper you can lay your hands on, best handwriting (love letters must be handwritten – texts/emails/faxes clearly don’t count for much), in blue or black ink – preferably use a fountain pen or fineliner.
3. Do a first draft before writing on your gorgeous paper.
4. Use fabulous salutations and sign-offs. I usually only manage a ‘Dearest’/ ‘Yours as ever’ but there are so many beautiful options, such as
Best Beloved,
Oh my William!
My Heart,
My dearest friend,
My own dearest and best,

Ever and ever yours,
Your most attached,
Believe me – your very devoted,
5. Individuality is beautiful. Use unpredictable language where possible and don’t be afraid to be quirky, but try to avoid lunacy. Be careful not to sound phony or pretentious. Read your draft aloud and amend anything that makes you cringe too much.
6. Short and sweet is preferable to longwinded and rambling. If you have lots to say, wonderful. If you find yourself resorting to cliché wrap it up, quick sharp. Never confuse length with quality.
7. Stuck for content? Keep it sincere. Focus on the person you’re writing to. What is it about them that sets them apart from anyone else? What is it that you love about them? Be specific.
8. Tell them when, why and how you fell in love, and some favourite moments you’ve shared since. Perhaps write about things that you have in common and ways that you are different. Point out things that you’ve learned from them, and how your life has changed for the better (if it has, that is. If it hasn’t, go home now and start packing – you’re running away to New York).
9. If in doubt about a particular sentence, pop it into a translator (Babelfish is suitably bizarre) and turn it into French or Italian. Your letter will sound instantly more romantic, with the added bonus that your cherished one won’t be able to understand any disconcerting nuances.
10. Don’t make it rhyme. Unless you are absolutely confident that your poetry is the stuff dreams are made of.
11. Try to make sure that the word ‘you’ features more than the word ‘I’.
12. Don’t make apologies or put yourself down. i.e. don’t point out your bad handwriting/spelling/sentence structure/use of pronouns or dismiss your emotions as ridiculous.
13. Use a maximum of one exclamation mark!
14. Avoid repetition, hesitation and deviation.
15. Keep it light, bright and optimistic. This can be tricky if your love is unrequited, but try your best.
16. Include a memento. A ticket from a trip or movie, a photo, a bag of his/her favourite tea, a loveheart, a balloon, a magnet, a playing card, a pressed flower, a mixtape, a post card…
17. Don’t forget the envelope. Make it look intriguing with a ‘for your eyes only’ or a foreign stamp.